Showing posts with label Joke. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Joke. Show all posts
24 March 2007
COMPANIES AND COUNTRIES
THIS IS VERY FUNNY.
EVER WONDERED ABOUT COUNTRIES AND COMPANIES. USING COWS TO DEMONSTRATE THE VARIOUS TYPES OF REGIMES THERE ARE THROUGHOUT THE WORLD.
SOCIALISM.
YOU HAVE 2 COWS YOU GIVE ONE TO YOUR NEIGHBOUR
COMMUNISM.
YOU HAVE 2 COWS THE STATE TAKES BOTH AND GIVES YOU SOME MILK.
FASCISM.
YOU HAVE 2 COWS THE STATE TAKES BOTH AND SELLS YOU SOME MILK.
NAZISM.
YOU HAVE TWO COWS THE STATE TAKES BOTH THEN SHOOTS YOU.
BUREAUCRACY.
YOU HAVE 2 COWS THE STATE TAKES BOTH, SHOOTS ONE, MILKS THE OTHER THEN TROWS THE MILK AWAY.
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
YOU HAVE 2 COWS. YOU SELL ON AND BUY A BULL. YOUR HERD MULTIPLIES, AND THE ECONOMY GROWS. YOU SELL THEM AND RETIRE ON THE INCOME.
SURREALISM.
YOU HAVE 2 GIRAFFES THE GOVERNMENT REQUIRES YOU TO TAKE HARMONICA LESSONS.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
YOU HAVE 2 COWS YOU SELL ONE,AND FORCE THE OTHER TO PRODUCE THE MILK OF 4 COWS. LATER YOU HIRE A CONSULTANT TO ANALYSE WHY THE COW HAS DROPPED DEAD.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
YOU HAVE 2 COWS YOU SELL 3 OF THEM TO YOUR PUBLICLY LISTED COMPANY,USING LETTERS OF CREDIT OPENED BY YOUR BROTHER IN LAW AT THE BANK,THEN EXECUTE A DEBT/EQUITY SWAP WITH AN ASSOCIATED GENERAL OFFER SO THAT YOU GET ALL FOUR COWS BACK WITH A TAX EXEMPTION FOR ALL FIVE COWS. THE MILK RIGHTS OF THE SIX COWS ARE TRANSFERRED VIA AN INTERMEDIARY TO A CAYMAN ISLAND COMPANY SECRETLY OWNED BY THE MAJORITY SHAREHOLDER WHO SELLS THE RIGHTS TO ALL SEVEN COWS BACK TO YOUR LISTED COMPANY. THE ANNUAL REPORT SAYS THE COMPANY OWNS EIGHT COWS, WITH AN OPTION ON ONE MORE. SELL ONE COW TO BUY A NEW PRESIDENT OF THE USA LEAVING YOU WITH NINE COWS. NO BALANCE SHEET PROVIDED WITH THE RELEASE. THE PUBLIC BUYS YOUR BULL.
THE ANDERSEN MODEL.
YOU HAVE 2 COWS. YOU SHRED THEM.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
YOU HAVE 2 COWS. YOU GO ON STRIKE, ORGANISE A RIOT, AND BLOCK THE ROADS AND PORTS, BECAUSE YOU WANT 3 COWS.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
YOU HAVE 2 COWS. YOU REDESIGN THEM SO THEY ARE ONE TENTH THE SIZE OF AN ORDINARY COW AND PRODUCE 20 TIMES THE MILK. YOU THEN CREATE A CLEVER COW CARTOON CALLED COWKIMOM AND MARKET IT WORLD WIDE.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
YOU HAVE 2 COWS. YOU RE-ENGINEER THEM SO THEY LIVE FOR 100 YEARS, EAT ONCE A MONTH AND MILK THEMSELVES.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
YOU HAVE 2 COWS. YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE THEY ARE SO YOU DECIDE TO HAVE LUNCH.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
YOU HAVE 2 COWS. YOU COUNT THEM AND LEARN YOU HAVE 5 COWS, YOU COUNT THEM AGAIN AND LEARN YOU HAVE 42 COWS. YOU COUNT THEM AGAIN AND LEARN YOU HAVE 2 COWS. YOU STOP COUNTING COWS AND OPEN ANOTHER BOTTLE OF VODKA.
A SWISS CORPORATION
YOU HAVE 5000 COWS. NONE OF THEM BELONG TO YOU. YOU CHARGE THE OWNERS FOR STORING THEM.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
YOU HAVE 2 COWS. YOU HAVE 300 PEOPLE MILKING THEM. YOU CLAIM THAT YOU HAVE FULL EMPLOYMENT AND HIGH BOVINE PRODUCTIVITY. AND ARREST THE NEWS MAN WHO REPORTED THE REAL SITUATION.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
YOU HAVE 2 COWS. YOU WORSHIP THEM.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
EVERYONE THINKS YOU HAVE A LOT OF COWS. YOU TELL THEN THAT YOU HAVE NONE, NO-ONE BELIEVES YOU. SO THEY BOMB THE !!""£$£ OUT OFF YOU AND INVADE YOUR COUNTRY. YOU STILL HAVE NO COWS BUT AT LEAST NOW YOU ARE PART OF A DEMOCRACY.
A WELSH CORPORATION
YOU HAVE 2 COWS. THE ONE ONE THE LEFT LOOKS VERY ATTRACTIVE.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
YOU HAVE 2 COWS. BUSINESS SEEMS PRETTY GOOD. YOU CLOSE THE OFFICE AND GO FOR A FEW BEERS TO CELEBRATE.
A BRITISH CORPORATION.
YOU HAVE 2 COWS. THE GOVERNMENT SAYS THAT YOU HAVE TO BUY A LICENSE TO MILK THEM. BUT FIRST YOU HAVE TO DO A RISK ASSESSMENT WHICH ONLY THE GOVERNMENT QUANGO IS ALLOWED TO CARRY OUT. THEY CHARGE YOU 5 TIMES THE COST OF DOING IT. THEY FIND THAT THE 3 LEGGED STOOL IS A RISK UNDER HEALTH AND SAFETY. YOU HAVE TO BUY THE EC APPROVED 5 LEGGED STOOL THAT IS DESIGNED TO SUPPORT A MILK PERSON OF UP TO 250KG. IS IT TOO HEAVY TO CARRY. THE STOOL EXCEEDS EC WEIGHT LIFTING LIMITS FOR WORKERS BY 4KG WHICH JUST HAPPENS TO BE THE WEIGHT OF THE 5TH LEG. TO SHIFT THE STOOL FROM ONE COW TO THE OTHER YOU THEREFORE NEED A SPECIAL EC APPROVED TROLLEY. THE NEW STOOL AND TROLLEY ARE SO EXPENSIVE THAT YOU HAVE TO MORTGAGE ONE OF THE COWS TO PAY FOR THEM AND PAY FOR THE MANDATORY TRAINING COURSE YOU MUST TAKE TO GET YOUR LICENSE TO MILK THE COWS. YOU SELL YOUR MILK TO THE SUPERMARKET CHAIN THAT PAYS YOU BUGGER ALL FOR IT AND THEY SELL IT TO THEIR CUSTOMERS FOR FOUR TIMES WHAT THEY PAID YOU. THEN THEY RELEASE A PRESS STATEMENT ABOUT HOW WONDERFUL THEY ARE TO SUPPORT BRITISH COWS. THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS YOUR COWS ARE MAD BUT YOU AND YOUR COWS KNOW THAT IS NOT TRUE AND ANYWAY THE REST OF THE WORLD HAVE NO INTENTION OF IDENTIFYING AND COUNTING THEIR MAD COWS SO PEOPLE IN OTHER COUNTRIES DON'T KNOW THEIR COWS ARE REALLY REALLY BARMY DO THEY. YOU SELL YOUR COWS TO A POLISH ITINERANT WORKER AND YOUR FARM TO A RUSSIAN INVESTMENT BANK AND THEN YOU LEAVE TO BUY A VILLA BUY THE SEA IN A COUNTRY WHERE IT IS SUNNY AND THE MILK COSTS A 10TH OF THE MILK AT HOME. THEY DON'T HAVE AN NHS BUT YOU ARE SO HAPPY AND RELAXED YOUR HEALTH IMPROVES AND YOU LIVE TO BE A 100.
EVER WONDERED ABOUT COUNTRIES AND COMPANIES. USING COWS TO DEMONSTRATE THE VARIOUS TYPES OF REGIMES THERE ARE THROUGHOUT THE WORLD.
SOCIALISM.
YOU HAVE 2 COWS YOU GIVE ONE TO YOUR NEIGHBOUR
COMMUNISM.
YOU HAVE 2 COWS THE STATE TAKES BOTH AND GIVES YOU SOME MILK.
FASCISM.
YOU HAVE 2 COWS THE STATE TAKES BOTH AND SELLS YOU SOME MILK.
NAZISM.
YOU HAVE TWO COWS THE STATE TAKES BOTH THEN SHOOTS YOU.
BUREAUCRACY.
YOU HAVE 2 COWS THE STATE TAKES BOTH, SHOOTS ONE, MILKS THE OTHER THEN TROWS THE MILK AWAY.
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
YOU HAVE 2 COWS. YOU SELL ON AND BUY A BULL. YOUR HERD MULTIPLIES, AND THE ECONOMY GROWS. YOU SELL THEM AND RETIRE ON THE INCOME.
SURREALISM.
YOU HAVE 2 GIRAFFES THE GOVERNMENT REQUIRES YOU TO TAKE HARMONICA LESSONS.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
YOU HAVE 2 COWS YOU SELL ONE,AND FORCE THE OTHER TO PRODUCE THE MILK OF 4 COWS. LATER YOU HIRE A CONSULTANT TO ANALYSE WHY THE COW HAS DROPPED DEAD.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
YOU HAVE 2 COWS YOU SELL 3 OF THEM TO YOUR PUBLICLY LISTED COMPANY,USING LETTERS OF CREDIT OPENED BY YOUR BROTHER IN LAW AT THE BANK,THEN EXECUTE A DEBT/EQUITY SWAP WITH AN ASSOCIATED GENERAL OFFER SO THAT YOU GET ALL FOUR COWS BACK WITH A TAX EXEMPTION FOR ALL FIVE COWS. THE MILK RIGHTS OF THE SIX COWS ARE TRANSFERRED VIA AN INTERMEDIARY TO A CAYMAN ISLAND COMPANY SECRETLY OWNED BY THE MAJORITY SHAREHOLDER WHO SELLS THE RIGHTS TO ALL SEVEN COWS BACK TO YOUR LISTED COMPANY. THE ANNUAL REPORT SAYS THE COMPANY OWNS EIGHT COWS, WITH AN OPTION ON ONE MORE. SELL ONE COW TO BUY A NEW PRESIDENT OF THE USA LEAVING YOU WITH NINE COWS. NO BALANCE SHEET PROVIDED WITH THE RELEASE. THE PUBLIC BUYS YOUR BULL.
THE ANDERSEN MODEL.
YOU HAVE 2 COWS. YOU SHRED THEM.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
YOU HAVE 2 COWS. YOU GO ON STRIKE, ORGANISE A RIOT, AND BLOCK THE ROADS AND PORTS, BECAUSE YOU WANT 3 COWS.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
YOU HAVE 2 COWS. YOU REDESIGN THEM SO THEY ARE ONE TENTH THE SIZE OF AN ORDINARY COW AND PRODUCE 20 TIMES THE MILK. YOU THEN CREATE A CLEVER COW CARTOON CALLED COWKIMOM AND MARKET IT WORLD WIDE.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
YOU HAVE 2 COWS. YOU RE-ENGINEER THEM SO THEY LIVE FOR 100 YEARS, EAT ONCE A MONTH AND MILK THEMSELVES.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
YOU HAVE 2 COWS. YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE THEY ARE SO YOU DECIDE TO HAVE LUNCH.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
YOU HAVE 2 COWS. YOU COUNT THEM AND LEARN YOU HAVE 5 COWS, YOU COUNT THEM AGAIN AND LEARN YOU HAVE 42 COWS. YOU COUNT THEM AGAIN AND LEARN YOU HAVE 2 COWS. YOU STOP COUNTING COWS AND OPEN ANOTHER BOTTLE OF VODKA.
A SWISS CORPORATION
YOU HAVE 5000 COWS. NONE OF THEM BELONG TO YOU. YOU CHARGE THE OWNERS FOR STORING THEM.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
YOU HAVE 2 COWS. YOU HAVE 300 PEOPLE MILKING THEM. YOU CLAIM THAT YOU HAVE FULL EMPLOYMENT AND HIGH BOVINE PRODUCTIVITY. AND ARREST THE NEWS MAN WHO REPORTED THE REAL SITUATION.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
YOU HAVE 2 COWS. YOU WORSHIP THEM.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
EVERYONE THINKS YOU HAVE A LOT OF COWS. YOU TELL THEN THAT YOU HAVE NONE, NO-ONE BELIEVES YOU. SO THEY BOMB THE !!""£$£ OUT OFF YOU AND INVADE YOUR COUNTRY. YOU STILL HAVE NO COWS BUT AT LEAST NOW YOU ARE PART OF A DEMOCRACY.
A WELSH CORPORATION
YOU HAVE 2 COWS. THE ONE ONE THE LEFT LOOKS VERY ATTRACTIVE.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
YOU HAVE 2 COWS. BUSINESS SEEMS PRETTY GOOD. YOU CLOSE THE OFFICE AND GO FOR A FEW BEERS TO CELEBRATE.
A BRITISH CORPORATION.
YOU HAVE 2 COWS. THE GOVERNMENT SAYS THAT YOU HAVE TO BUY A LICENSE TO MILK THEM. BUT FIRST YOU HAVE TO DO A RISK ASSESSMENT WHICH ONLY THE GOVERNMENT QUANGO IS ALLOWED TO CARRY OUT. THEY CHARGE YOU 5 TIMES THE COST OF DOING IT. THEY FIND THAT THE 3 LEGGED STOOL IS A RISK UNDER HEALTH AND SAFETY. YOU HAVE TO BUY THE EC APPROVED 5 LEGGED STOOL THAT IS DESIGNED TO SUPPORT A MILK PERSON OF UP TO 250KG. IS IT TOO HEAVY TO CARRY. THE STOOL EXCEEDS EC WEIGHT LIFTING LIMITS FOR WORKERS BY 4KG WHICH JUST HAPPENS TO BE THE WEIGHT OF THE 5TH LEG. TO SHIFT THE STOOL FROM ONE COW TO THE OTHER YOU THEREFORE NEED A SPECIAL EC APPROVED TROLLEY. THE NEW STOOL AND TROLLEY ARE SO EXPENSIVE THAT YOU HAVE TO MORTGAGE ONE OF THE COWS TO PAY FOR THEM AND PAY FOR THE MANDATORY TRAINING COURSE YOU MUST TAKE TO GET YOUR LICENSE TO MILK THE COWS. YOU SELL YOUR MILK TO THE SUPERMARKET CHAIN THAT PAYS YOU BUGGER ALL FOR IT AND THEY SELL IT TO THEIR CUSTOMERS FOR FOUR TIMES WHAT THEY PAID YOU. THEN THEY RELEASE A PRESS STATEMENT ABOUT HOW WONDERFUL THEY ARE TO SUPPORT BRITISH COWS. THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS YOUR COWS ARE MAD BUT YOU AND YOUR COWS KNOW THAT IS NOT TRUE AND ANYWAY THE REST OF THE WORLD HAVE NO INTENTION OF IDENTIFYING AND COUNTING THEIR MAD COWS SO PEOPLE IN OTHER COUNTRIES DON'T KNOW THEIR COWS ARE REALLY REALLY BARMY DO THEY. YOU SELL YOUR COWS TO A POLISH ITINERANT WORKER AND YOUR FARM TO A RUSSIAN INVESTMENT BANK AND THEN YOU LEAVE TO BUY A VILLA BUY THE SEA IN A COUNTRY WHERE IT IS SUNNY AND THE MILK COSTS A 10TH OF THE MILK AT HOME. THEY DON'T HAVE AN NHS BUT YOU ARE SO HAPPY AND RELAXED YOUR HEALTH IMPROVES AND YOU LIVE TO BE A 100.
03 March 2007
White House 2008 - ebaumsworld.com
White House 2008 - ebaumsworld.com:
"White House 2008
One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.
He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton .' The Marine replied, 'Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here.' The old man said, 'Okay,' and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton'.
The Marine again told the man, 'Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here.' The man thanked him and again walked away..
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying 'I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton.'
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, 'Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don 't you understand?'
The old man answered, 'Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your answer!'"
"White House 2008
One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.
He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton .' The Marine replied, 'Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here.' The old man said, 'Okay,' and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton'.
The Marine again told the man, 'Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here.' The man thanked him and again walked away..
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying 'I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton.'
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, 'Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don 't you understand?'
The old man answered, 'Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your answer!'"
WHY IT IS IMPORTANT TO UNDERSTAND ENGLISH! - ebaumsworld.com
WHY IT IS IMPORTANT TO UNDERSTAND ENGLISH! - ebaumsworld.com:
"WHY IT IS IMPORTANT TO UNDERSTAND ENGLISH!
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went
to the currency exchange window at the local bank
Short line. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was trying
to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated.
He asked the teller, 'Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla
for yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?'
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations' .
The Asian guy says, 'Fluc you white people too!'"
"WHY IT IS IMPORTANT TO UNDERSTAND ENGLISH!
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went
to the currency exchange window at the local bank
Short line. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was trying
to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated.
He asked the teller, 'Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla
for yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?'
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations' .
The Asian guy says, 'Fluc you white people too!'"
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